recap

2 days ago - had two panic attacks. haven't had any for months, and then two in one day. the first one was just tight pressure on my chest for a few minutes; the second one was a full-blown feeling of paranoia and impending negative events (couldn't say "doom" because that sounds too melodramatic). also, my back is out, i haven't seen a chiro in over a month or been to massage therapy. not doing so great on those fronts.

yesterday - science fair. i judged botany for 7th-12th grade. most of the projects were pretty bad. there were a few that had some creativity, and maybe 1/3 of the kids actually knew their project inside and out. my selection for first place didn't win because my fellow judge disliked their control. that's it. no award for you. we were an hour behind because the other three judges took way too long per project so i ended up judging most of them. it was fun, i felt bad for the kids. they were nervous and it took longer than it should have. plus, my fellow judges pushed a little too hard; i definitely caught a distinct note of sanctimony. at work, my interim was approved so i get to go to state next week for my badge.

today - an hour waiting on hold and my cell phone WILL be here tomorrow. they are overnighting it now.

lost puppy

muted colors wash on a receding shore
fading into a lifetime of red-caped nothing
scheduled to never show up and smile.
instead, razors gleam with fascination
under a flickering mirror of denial.
the lies don't package like the truth, but
a sure shill tries to convince otherwise,
unrelenting and unforgiving and immutable
like a hand-shaking, weakening demise
reaping a lifetime of gutless gore.

volunteer work

i am giving back to society. or sending several kids to years of future therapy. either one should help out the economy.

this tuesday, i have volunteered to be a judge at a middle school science fair. i'm pretty excited about it, should be fun.

a day in dc

so, yesterday took off unexpectedly. i was enjoying my first weekend day here in the area since moving by trying to be as slovenly slothful as possible. i slept in until 9 (getting past 6/7am is hard for me) and was nicely wasting the day away saving hyrule (zelda! the new one is the best yet) when some friends had two tickets to a taste of adams morgan smithsonian tour that was starting in 30 minutes. showered off the offal of the morning and drove to dc. got lost. parked in a diplomatic community and sprinted to the tour 10 minutes late. found them and was good to go. so there i was by myself with twenty 60 something's in various groups and couple assortments. the tour guide was very knowledgeable and it was pretty cool to learn about the area. toys r' us got its start there. neat. first restaurant was the Ghana Cafe where we ate Ghananian... Ghananese... um, food from Ghana. it was rice, beans, and unidentified meats in sauce. not bad. tried the beer (21 oz bottles) which was made with maize and it was pretty good. then, to an Ethiopian restaurant, Meskerem. ironically, the only restaurant that i'd even eaten at there. best stop on the tour. typical group meal with injera (ethiopian "bread") and tej (honey wine). i highly recommend this place. next stop, a bar named felix (after the cia agent in james bond). not so good. some pita bread and pasta salad plus a glass of wine? last stop was a "spanish" restaurant, churreria (i don't remember how it was spelled) madrid; i put spanish in quotes because it didn't seem very spanish. the food was mediocre and was a poor selection, but the churros were good, and oh yeah, the sangria was very good (hmm, 4 restaurants, 4 drinks....) the old people were all friendly during the tour, particularly by the end where we may have been a little soused. had 2 sangria's in fact. had to sidestep some of the politics that this one lady who teaches middle school on capitol hill seemed to want to get into. and to complement her was the lady to my left who had home-schooled her children for three years and was now a historical interpreter. both had a lot of energy. which reminds me of this other older gentleman who followed me around for about 20 minutes prattling on about the companies in the area. i think there was definitely a grandson feeling going on there.

upon leaving, i called up a friend thad i had been trying to get in touch with to see if they were doing okay. they had been sick a few weeks ago. great to touch base, but it felt off. got in the car to find my way back home and there were a few blocks cordoned off by police. drove around and stopped at the red light. to my left is the capitol hilton. then, right in front of my these three black tahoes with the requisite faux police lighting drive by and guess who's in the back of the middle one? the bush's. made it back home without further incident.

i'd post pics from the trip, but i don't have my usb cable to download from my camera. :(

it is done

a cell phone has been ordered. it is on the way.

scrubs tonight is the way it should be.

I don't fucking know

I walk quickly to nowhere with a purpose

On an unrelentingly white and hard floor,

Deftly skewering the crowd with nimble steps.

There is half of a sandwich in my pocket and

I stop to look at art by the insane.

I scowl like an owl with withering arrogance

At anyone who makes eye contact,

And I become a Pyrrhic reality for this still-life

Searing judgment with nihilistic intensity.

For no reason.

Seasons

You look like spring:

the cool morning dew on

legs like dandelion stems

to be plucked.

You look like summer:

sweat beading from the heat

on blooming petals

to be sucked.

You look like autumn:

those falling golden leaves

and sheltering stalks

to be shucked.

You look like winter:

misting breath and flushed red,

cozy and sleepy

to be tucked.

disclaimer

i get the feeling that a lot of people are trying to get a lot from me right now. and i don't think that anyone is completely satisfied with any of it. sometimes life is a zero-sum end-game and that's unfortunate. but, if we all have a little patience and a little faith, i think we'll be okay.

on another note, i'm wrestling internally. if we notice a pattern, can it ever be due to coincidence? as everything is interdependent and our choices bring us to where we are, can it really be random? mathematically, i would say no with strong confidence. is it our inability to see the true depths and real variables in the decision? or is there a point, where all people should be able to exercise this capability to a certain level and repeated "surprises" are a failure in the system? think, think, think.

if it gets weirder than this

please let me know. i'll crawl back into my cave.

a few cheap shots

evolution - "it's only a theory." [thank goodness gravity is a law...] good ol' G = 6.67300 × 10-11 m3 kg-1 s.

intelligent design - "it's all really complicated. i just can't quite put it all inside my head. it must be magic!"

age of the earth - "it's only 6000 years old. carbon dating is really inaccurate." You're right. The hundreds of complicated models depending on various logarithmic decays that have been repeatedly proven, but have a .001 error. Wow, that error can really throw it off over a few epochs, we might be 10000 years off over 10's of millions. hmm. tough one.

um, the world is flat?

End with nothing

To have everything without

Is to have nothing within,

So the esteem of all this want

Would be capricious in its whim.

We shrink and starve to grow;

With a flippant, ignorant sneer

Eating empty, wastrels as we are

This living death is ironically absent of fear.

As it could, it should, for if it were, it would.

the shallow show on stage

you want a little more to eat
a little more that's sweet
a little more to crave
a little more to save
a little more to share
a little more than i can bear
so it's not just a shallow show
because there's a lot you'll never know.