Friday, July 28, 2006

Where I'm from

I am from little debbie snack-cakes that felt like the poor man's cousin of hostess, planter's peanuts and blue diamond almonds that my father gnoshed with his scotch before dinner, dehydrated milk and vegetables to tide us through the vagaries of communist agrarian supplies, new horizon organic milk that is an increasingly lonesome relic in the kitchen from my life-altering diet, and welch's fruit snacks that i indulge my dauther with.

I am from the a large, but inconspicuous, house nestled in the center of arlington, virginia that is perpetually subject to the strangest neighbors on the planet.

I am from pine trees that shaded our driveway, birch trees in berlin that sheltered my brother in and me in our own private world, and crab apple trees in moscow that my mother made into jams.

I am from an overly practical and detached world; another that is continually in the clouds in reality-defying euphoria; the mute acceptance of my pop-pop who says almost nothing and soaks it all in; and my own, which i am just beginning to know and understand. I am the first son, the first cousin, and the first grandson in the family-- the first born of the next generation (as my daughter is now). My uncle told me what that meant once-- the love, hopes, and cares are on me for the family.

I am from Maryland, Virginia, Georgia, New York, Texas, California, Florida, Germany, and the Soviet Union.

From my mother and father who i am trying to find my way back to again, my brother who thinks it is hard to be me. From an agnostic background that preached a secular humanism, the good in people, and tolerance, but masked a deep skepticism toward religion. From a catholic boy scout troop, catholic mass with a nanny, protestant services at camp-outs where you had to go to something, muslim friends, judaism from my mother's relatives and discovering it when i went to college, and the understanding philosophy of buddhism and daoism.

I'm from jewish immigrants that lived somewhere in eastern europe, the wife of general philip sheridan, a supposed duke in the ukraine, and who knows what else as our genealogy has been forever closed by a divisive split and the death of great grandparents too eager to leave the past.

the week

the sun sets on a week that began with no origin. it was a lost soul returning to its roots to establish some sense of self that had not eluded its consciousness, but simply had just not been there. if you spend your life looking out, then you can forget to look in. no exquisite epiphany lit the way and suddenly cast truth on cobwebbed corners of existence. life is not a movie. there was no happy ending to satisfy the audience (or the protagonist). there was the recognition of a journey that hitherto had been unscheduled, this journey of self introspection. the past is written, the future remains. not knowing who i have been quails beneath the import of defining and knowing who i will be.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

sigh

Are we hard-wired to be morons?

Apparently, yes.

"[A] study presented at the conference, which was in Palm Springs, Calif., explored relationships between racial bias and political affiliation by analyzing self-reported beliefs, voting patterns and the results of psychological tests that measure implicit attitudes -- subtle stereotypes people hold about various groups.

That study found that supporters of President Bush and other conservatives had stronger self-admitted and implicit biases against blacks than liberals do."

Touche'!!!

"Brian Jones, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, said he disagreed with the study's conclusions but that it was difficult to offer a detailed critique, as the research had not yet been published and he could not review the methodology. He also questioned whether the researchers themselves had implicit biases -- against Republicans -- noting that Nosek and Harvard psychologist Mahzarin Banaji had given campaign contributions to Democrats."

Hmm, but that's a large statistical sample...

"Nosek, Banaji and social psychologist Erik Thompson also culled self-acknowledged views about blacks from nearly 130,000 whites, who volunteered online to participate in a widely used test of racial bias that measures the speed of people's associations between black or white faces and positive or negative words. The researchers examined correlations between explicit and implicit attitudes and voting behavior in all 435 congressional districts.

The analysis found that substantial majorities of Americans, liberals and conservatives, found it more difficult to associate black faces with positive concepts than white faces -- evidence of implicit bias. But districts that registered higher levels of bias systematically produced more votes for Bush."

2/2 academics from Michigan and Stanford agree

"Vincent Hutchings, a political scientist at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, said the results matched his own findings in a study he conducted ahead of the 2000 presidential election: Volunteers shown visual images of blacks in contexts that implied they were getting welfare benefits were far more receptive to Republican political ads decrying government waste than volunteers shown ads with the same message but without images of black people.

Jon Krosnick, a psychologist and political scientist at Stanford University, who independently assessed the studies, said it remains to be seen how significant the correlation is between racial bias and political affiliation."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Happy Ending

After they had not made love
she pulled the sheet up over her eyes
until he was buttoning his shirt:
not shyness for their bodies - those
they had willingly displayed - but a frail
endeavour to apologise.

Later, though, drawn together by
a distaste for such 'untidy ends'
they agreed to meet again; whereupon
they giggled, reminisced, held hands
as though what they had made was love -
and not that happier outcome- friends.

Fleur Adcock

This poem was posted on my friend's page.

long walk

i've been taking long walks with my mom since i've been home and obviously we talk during these extended forays on the beautiful bike trails. talked to quite a few people today, and it felt good to talk to each of them. we're never alone in this world and we are surrounded by wonderful, good people who love us very much if we can open our eyes and heart to see them. i am truly blessed to have come across such friends in my life. thank you. i love you.

--brio

Sunday, July 23, 2006

chaff

can't stop thinking of you.
i long to reach out,
but don't trust myself.
it's best that i carry
the burden for once
though it causes us both pain.
i'd rather
than ever hurt you again.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

i have failed everyone. i'm sorry.

Monday, July 17, 2006

question for the day that won't get answered

what's the point of being yourself if nobody believes you?

--brio who is failing to live up to his mission statement of combating nihilistic tendencies

decrepit halo

My halo doesn't shine anymore
And I can only commit these wrongs.
When did dulcet tones so right
become these garbled hellish songs?
These spears in my heart
allow some part of me to weep,
and the demons in my head
could rip any lost soul from sleep.

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a facade

do I chip away or corrode
a corrupt black verdigris
to expose crippled bones
or extant cold dust?

trembling fingers gently
gloss this marred surface
afraid to show
what I already know.


Osiris, God of the Dead.

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This is who I am

Idealist Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

happy birthday!

happy birthday to hawaii, whom I forgot to call on the actual day on Saturday. I hope the wedding was a lot of fun and the southeast is treating you well for now.

also, happy birthday to right-wing conspirator, whose birthday is today. I will be leaving for his house shortly. i hope i can find The VRWC book that i borrowed from him, it's around here somewhere...

on that note, ann coulter is brilliant in her ability to pander to the right with such ferocious idiocy to sell books. not even a shade of a good idea is present in anything she has to offer though. pure jingoistic trash. sorry, the vrwc comment made me think of her. al franken is just as ridiculous, but at least he has a sense of humor. sigh, why did the republican party have to be usurped by evangelicals... it was so much better when it was about economics (not trickle-down/supply-side theory) and state freedom.

--brio who is going to stop now before he runs off to nowhere with this entry.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

quidnunc

It digs, it digs, it digs
Its way under
And there sits
And waits
For me to
Dig, and dig, and dig
It out.

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oh my

my eyes are orange and yellow,
my feelings are black and red.
my smile is purple and blue,
my stare sees silver and white.
my skin is green and sallow,
my thoughts are fucked and fallow.
my, my, my.

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Sunday, July 09, 2006

cooking fool

forgot to mention-- yesterday was a cooking extravaganza. for some reason, i felt the urge to make food, and i made a lot. i did a jumbo shrimp boil and i made a big pot of sauce with fresh tomatoes, basil, onions, garlic, bacon, ground round, mushrooms, and probably some other things. i made enough for me to throw together a lasagna (tonight) and have left-over pasta sauce for whenever.

also bought a bunch of avocados to make a mean guacomole with fresh cilantro and some organic blue corn chips. and drumsticks, to have a bbq. not sure what i'm thinking-- that's a lot of food for one and a half people to eat. i sure do enjoy cooking it all though.

--baking brio

Saturday, July 08, 2006

back in the usa

and very tired. got in around 1am last night and very jet-lagged. also managed to lose my power adapter and my us power adapter for my cell phone on the trip. i think the organizational part of my brain was off for most of this trip.

appraisals are all done and they went well-- there was only one that was a little sticky, but i think we're good in the long run.

i'm hoping to spend part of a wknd on my way back to the uk at the end of this month with my aunt/uncle and grandparents at the end of the month. haven't seen them this year yet, so that would be nice.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

lost rebirth

it's esoterically tangible

because it's so clear and so confused

I'm not sure if i'm alive,

But I know i'm bleeding and bruised.

This nascent naivete

Is cultured by fear masquerading as care,

And I feel so disposable

Which makes this rebirth more than I can bear.

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I am afraid

I am cowardly in my ignorance

like a fledgling scared to fly,

I clutch tightly to reality

like an old man fighting to die.

I break all mirrors out of fear

Of my truth in reflection

I run and run and run

To escape all introspection.

These shards create red truth

Bleeding any innocence of youth.

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pluck me

Pluck my feathers

while you fuck me

watch me scream

While I run and dream

With no direction.

The axe-- in your hands

And the blood asked of mine.

It's my fault, it's my fault.

No raisonnement occulte

As we'll see in nine.

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Happy 4th of July!

I am in the land of colonial aggression for this year's celebration of independence. I had to work today, in fact, not only did I have to work, but I had my yearly performance appraisal. The review went well and they have "promoted" me to create an IT Procurement department next FY in addition to my current managerial responsibilities. Previously, my team had 35% of my time (according to my accountabilities); now they will get 15%. It's a good thing I've invested a lot of time to ensure they're semi-autonomous. Now I have to hire more people and train them up to my vision which takes several months of effort since I'm virtual. Also, have to implement a global e-procurement system to interface with SAP. I have hinted quite strongly that a significant pay inrease should accompany this turn of events-- the next few weeks will tell. Either way, I have soaked them extensively for training in this upcoming FY. Muhahaha, one way or another, I'm going to benefit.

Cheers,
brio