Expectations of a relationship

Like a team. Us versus the world. Two people holding hands braving the elements, looking at everything with a positive outlook and a sense of adventure. Yeah, life kicks you down sometimes, but the most important thing is that sense of family that should always be there. I don’t see kids as equal partners—they are in the family unit [that sounds stilted], but I deliberately set them apart because the mother and father need to be a united team for them. I think this is really important. Kids need to know that mom and dad are consistent and on the same page. It gives them a foundation that is an absolute which is vital. Of course, that means that mom and dad have to communicate, compromise, agree, and adhere to what that will be. It could be bedtime will be at 8; no questions. Or, maybe it is an understanding of how to discipline, or how to show encouragement and love.

On the topic of discipline, I believe in treating kids like little adults. You sit down with them and talk through the behavior or incident. Like right now with Beansprout, today in fact, she spit on the floor on purpose, I had her come over to me, I sat her down on my lap holding her, and talked about why we don’t do that (somebody else might step in it and that would be yucky, and I illustrated by holding her foot so she could see the bottom of it to get the visual element of what could happen). As kids get older, there’s actually more listening involved because you’ve already set most of the foundation from their younger years. They have a sense of right and wrong and the values you’ve given them, the key is to understand what they’re thinking and feeling through it and understanding how others might think or feel.

I don’t personally feel the need to go out for a night by myself, or just with my friends. If I’m going out, I’d like my wife to be with me. I spend most of my life interacting with a whole bunch of external people, I don’t need to do that on my time. I want to spend it with my family or just my wife. I married her to share and enhance the colors of my experiences. Different people have different levels of sharing that they allow. I feel that you should respect your partner’s wish to share with you what they’re comfortable with, recognizing that is a sign of the depth and strength of the relationship. It takes awhile to build up to sharing everything in a way that both partners can understand. Some things unlock the door to other things and we all have different ways of showing those doors and unlocking them. It takes time to mutually achieve that. I don’t like secrets or deliberately not sharing something. There is never a good reason for this—and the other person will always be able to feel it lying there.

I can understand that some people need some alone time, for me that’s commuting to work, or working on the computer (the blog, cough cough) for a little bit. I think it is really important that me and my partner dedicate some alone time every week. Maybe it’s dinner out and a movie, or a dedicated afternoon in bed with the kids somewhere else. ;) And there needs to be small chunks of dedicated time during the regular week too. It could be 10-15 minutes after one gets home from work and while you change in the room you talk with just each other. Or a routine after bedtime of making sure that you get some alone time—maybe snuggling on the couch or something like that. I like regular special family nights. When I was a kid, every Friday was taco night. It was the one night we were allowed to have soda with dinner. We’d make a huge batch of taco’s (we’re talking like an unhealthy amount) and eat and eat and eat. Dinners were always at least an hour at my house because we would talk about so many things. A family has to eat together—there is such a fundamental emotional connection there. And after we were done, we’d either play a game or watch a movie together. I like certain routines or rituals in a home: dinner being my favorite. But, it could be bedtime, or the way we say hello, or anything. I love inventing my own personal family language—random made-up words for just the family. And singing, I love spontaneously making up songs and I think it’s comforting to have that very defined sub-culture of a family (words, songs, etc. just tangibly delineate that).

Compromise is vital to a marriage. To do this, you need to be able to communicate what you need/want, you need to listen to what your partner is communicating, you need to be sure that you both understand exactly what has been agreed to, and then you need to follow through. You can’t always be looking over your partner’s back to see that they’re doing what they agreed to do. They need to stick with the agreement. If they feel uncomfortable about it, change their mind, etc., then they need to raise the issue with you again, but they shouldn’t just do something contrary (as a general rule) without talking to you first. You need to be able to build up on these things or else every discussion (disagreement, argument) will lead back to them one way or another.

I want a relationship centered around family. Nothing else, within reason, should be placed ahead of that. Work will occasionally dictate otherwise of course, but that shouldn’t change where your focus is. Life wasn’t meant to be dominated by work and bosses that will come and go, but by having a lasting effect on others. For some people, that’s crusading for some great cause (or pretending that they are more than likely); for me, it’s the life I create with a family—I have a wonderful, enriching life with a woman and we raise kids who will do the same; they see the good in people and the world and they make the world better on a personal basis.

--brio