The Unauthorized American British Dictionary

I promised, and so I shall deliver. Attached are excerpts from my Unauthorized American British Dictionary that I have written. It is a beautiful, full-color manuscript.

Format.
Word. (classification [n, v, etc.].] Definition.
Etymology or Explanation.
Usage in Context.

Beautiful (adj.) can be used to describe the quality and enjoyment of food.
I guess calling your food beautiful is easier than having to lie daily to your spouse about their appearance. Unless you’re eating an American steak, the food is a lot less likely to talk back.

Context – “That steak was beautiful.” Steak replies, “You’re not so bad looking yourself.”

Boot (n.) trunk.
Boot? For trunk? Hey, it’s a sparsely populated and relatively isolated island, there must be a high number of illegal substances per capita. Or it could be a throwback to ye olde medieval days again when the only luggage anyone ever carried was a spare pair of boots and not clothes--, that’s why everybody used to stink.

Context - “Throw your luggage in the boot.”

Clart (n.) mate or bloke.
About a thousand years ago, everyone was named Clarence. Those were simpler times for a simpler people. Everyone was your friend. It wasn’t a question of when you befriended someone because you were always a friend of Clarence. Well, time shortens all things and Clarence became Clar. They realized that wasn’t very clear and added a “t”. Now, we would say that clarified things, but being simpler times, they thought it clart things right up. Who better to keep things clart for you then a good mate?

Context – “Where’s your clart you’re always hanging around with?”

Daft (adj.) stupid, ignorant.
Has the same meaning in American English, but rarely used in common vernacular. The etymology traces back to Ancient Greek, when Hippocrates was classifying the world’s many plants for their medicinal properties. Daffodils, being the least intelligent of all fauna and baring a resemblance to a yellow toga-wearing individual named, Bill, were noted by this esteemed individual and dubbed, “Daft os Bill” which translates loosely as “Daft as Bill” in Ancient Greek. Note: this is also the first historical record of the usage of the name, “Bill”.

Context - “That daft bugger requested ten copies of the justification, including three copies over email! Does he want me to send it to him in three different emails?!?”

Jumper (n.) sweater.
Neither the American nor the British words work well for this one. Are you more likely to leap in the UK when wearing said garment? I should think not. And you are unlikely to perspire, since you wear the clothing when it’s cold outside. Maybe the inventor was concerned that Americans might forget and show up at a 4^th of July party drenched in sweat—a very subtle reminder. I would hope that we’re not that dumb, but then again…

Context – “She looks great in that green jumper.”

Mate (n.) term of affection for friend, usually used in greeting.
We use this term for animals procreating, and they must be friends to do that. Hey, dad, what’s that monkey doing to the other one?

Context – “Good afternoon, mate.”

Mutt’s nuts (phrase) something that is excellent.
Yeah, I do not know many people who would think these are excellent. Maybe this is where the term “mate” comes in (see mate)?

Context – “That was beautiful; it was the mutt’s nuts!”

Yank (n.) an American, shortened from Yankee.
The author has the strange feeling that it means something else when our backs are turned, but so far has been unable to confirm this despite repeated attempts at covert observation disguised as a lamp.

Context - “The Yanks forget they’re working for a British company.”

Zed (n.) the letter “Z”
Somehow it gains a vowel and consonant. Who knows. The Brits seem to claim that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Context – “You Yanks with your zed’s in every other word.”